Of Life and Death
by Ramica
Summary: A twelve year old Rama, is out on patrol with her uncle Raph when she must make a life saving decision. One that opposes all that she has been taught till now to purposley take a life. The battle and it's aftermath are about to take effect. Rama series co
1. Chapter 1

Of Life and Death

Rating: T for some violence.

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Morning practice was over and Leonardo was assigning the evening's patrol duties to his family.

" Ramiela" Leo paused before the kunoichi, she had her father's eager playful ways, and while she took a great deal after her father certain human traits from her mother also were evident, such as her long black hair which she kept braided up, her five fingers and toes, and the high cheek bones in her face.

Rama grinned; she was still new enough to patrols to consider them exciting and fun, even though she had been doing small patrols with her dad, sensei or one of her uncles for the past year and a half, almost two years now. She crossed her fingers as she replied " Yes Sensei."

" You will be patrolling with Raphael tonight on the one to three thirty shift." Leo informed her.

Rama whooped jumping up and punching a fist into the air " All right!"

Raph groaned rolling his eyes " Yer stickin' me wit _her_ agin?"

Rama beamed, " Aw you like having me with you, don't deny it Uncle."

Raph snorted as he crossed his arms over his plastron " _Like?_" he repeated giving his niece a strange unreadable look, " Hell how am I to go bar hopping when I have a twelve year old tagging along with me?" Raph wondered aloud.

Leo scowled glowering at Raphael " You are suppose to be patrolling not seeking entertainment elsewhere" the turtle leader declared through gritted teeth.

Raph placed a hand on his plastron as he gave a wicked grin " You patrol your way Leo and I patrol mine."

Rama giggled, she ignored her Uncle's teasing because she knew he really _didn't _mind having her along, besides she had time with all of them on patrol, but her favourite Uncle always made the task far more enjoyable to her then any one else in the family did.

Her father Michaelangelo tended to be very strict and always wanted her to hang back, while he checked things out, or would deem certain situations too dangerous for her, even though she felt fully capable of taking on anything and any one. In other words her dad was far too, overprotective of her.

Her Sensei at least permitted her to enter more skirmishes, but he was always reminding her to use caution, look things over carefully, don't go charging into things, and other stuff, not to mention the long lectures she had to go through when ever she made an error. Then there were all the things Sensei would watch for to bring into a lesson later to see if she had learned from her previous mistakes.

In short Sensei was boring and took all the fun out of being able to patrol and kick butt on low life criminals.

Uncle Donatello was very good about letting her into any situation he felt she was capable of, and a few that he felt might be slightly out of her depth for better practice and training purposes, so in that way he was very good. However Uncle Donatello also had to check out all the dumpsters for electronic finds or scraps he could use for some invention, and inevitably she'd be hauled into service hauling some, of these so called precious finds, back to the lair. Waiting for her Uncle to check dumpsters was boring.

She complained to Sensei once that they were suppose to patrol and take care of problems but Sensei smiled and informed her that Don's work had made their life far more comfortable and it was time well spent.

Rama had tried to press the issue but she was then advised to take a look around the lair at all the things her Uncle had given to make their lives far better, she was then to write an essay about how useful all these items were, as she seemed to be taking advantage of these things.

Ever since then Rama had wisely kept her mouth shut when it concerned Uncle Donatello scavenging during patrol time, however she still resented that her valuable training time was wasted by dumpster scavenging.

Now Uncle Raphael **wasn't** anything like that, he'd find trouble and let her have at it, sometimes he'd stay back and let her go on her own, other times he'd be there beside her fighting it out.

If she made a mistake in any skirmish he brought it to her attention as soon as possible after wards, give her one of his sterner intimidating looks and remind her to watch herself in battle and not make foolish mistakes. Due to the fact Rama was aware of he Uncle Raphael's patience was not long and the second mistake made, in any area she had all ready been warned about, would mean a much harsher reminder, she was quick to learn and retain what he told her during patrol.

In short he made learning fun, discipline was quick and to the point and patrols always meant a great deal of action, when she got to be with him.

Rama's spirits rose and a part of her was anxious for night to fall and the patrol time to begin.

….

Rama sighed in irritation the evening hadn't offered too much as of yet, course it was still early on in their shift only about forty five minutes had passed since they had started, and they had managed to break up a B&E, they had managed to catch the creeps in the act of breaking but not quite on the verge of entering, which meant theft, so they had saved some store owner loss of goods.

She felt justifiable proud of the fact she had helped out, she glanced down at the street below, her Uncle had told her to stay put while he went to check something out, " I'll be back shortly." He had said before heading towards a back alley and the streets below.

She was a little nervous but also excited at being left alone, it was something her other two Uncles and her father would never do. She almost wished a mugging or something would happen in the alley so she could go down and bust it up all by herself.

She looked hopefully over the edge, but saw nothing, _' How am I ever going prove my worth as a kunoichi if I **never** get a chance to show it?'_ She mused to herself.

" Nothin'" She muttered bitterly, feeling that all her hopes were for just that.

" Whachya expect?" came a slurred reply behind her.

Rama whipped around startled by the closeness of the voice, only to see her Uncle giving her a dirty look, and a disparaging shake of his head.

" Don't drop your senses for one moment when on patrol Ramiela" Raph barked, " I shouldn't be able to sneak up on ya, **ever**. Remember the test, that sort of alertness is needed out here at all times. Be aware of **everything!"** He ordered briskly.

Rama nodded her head, " Sorry I was more interested in what was going on out there" she gestured to the city, the bright neon lights decked out and flashing in vivid blues, greens, whites and reds. The distant howl of a siren blaring and horns honking. " I guess I let my mind wander," she admitted reluctantly.

" Its okay to know what is going on out there but also be aware of what might be coming closer to home." Raph relented casually, " The test Leo gave you should always be used when you are topside or when the Foot are after you." He advised.

" I know, I'll try it just isn't easy maintaining it all the time," Rama moaned.

Raph grinned, " Don't I know it."

Rama smiled as she realized that was as far as it was going go for now. The test had been a lesson in many things, partly in meditation but also to see if she could sense others sneaking up on her.

Her Sensei had ordered her to meditate in the dojo, for about three hours one day. Rama who didn't care to meditate had a hard time obeying him, and it was only years of instilled obedience to her sensei that finally lead her to comply.

She had sat in lotus position meditating, but after some time she felt a funny feeling that someone had been sneaking up on her, she tried to ignore it, but the feeling grew and she felt suddenly that she was in danger.

A feeling that she thought was pretty ludicrous, because for her to be in danger in their own home, in the dojo no less, someone would have to get past her Uncle Donatello's alarms and then past her father and uncles.

Still the feeling grew to such a point that she felt sure, that to stay still, even one moment longer would be dangerous, for she felt that whoever was behind her was coming to hurt, possibly even kill her.

She rolled and heard the unmistakable sound of a something cutting through air, felt a faint draft and she bounced quickly to her feet drawing her sais, she was prepared to take on this intruder, only to see her sensei standing behind her a katana drawn and a smile on his face.

" What are you trying to do kill me?" She accused.

" No I am trying to keep you from being killed Ramiela" was his cryptic reply, " Think about it. You did well as you have passed the test and are definitely ready for this next stage in training."

" Here kid," Raph's voice roused Rama from the memory of that day of the test, he tossed a small metal object her way, " I figured we earned us a break."

Rama felt the cold metal touch her palm instantly making her hand feel cooler, another perk of being with her uncle, the break time, taken whenever they could spare it, meant a bit of relaxing time.

" Ooooh, Uncle Raphael" Rama sang out as she turned the can in her hand and popped it open with her fingers. A foamy spray ejected from the can.

Raph dived rolling dodging the sticky liquid " Your wastin it" he complained, then he paused to consider his words, " then again it might be better that way."

Rama smirked, " Nothing wrong with root beer" she claimed cheerfully, as she straightened the can for a drink.

" It is bad for your health" Raph declared simply as he opened a can of beer for himself, dropping his head to catch the foam and other liquid before it escaped, he was not about to waste his drink.

" And that isn't?" Rama inquired arching an eye ridge.

" Nope, this is beer the way it is sposta be" Raph replied.

" Yeah right" Rama muttered sarcastically, " Well cheers Uncle" Rama raised her can of root beer and quickly began to down the drink.

Raph did the same with his, they finished almost at the same time, Rama gave a sidelong glance her Uncle's way and let out a loud belch.

Raph went over and smacked her lightly across the top of her head " You are impossible you know that, just what do you think you are doing?" He demanded berating her, " If you are going do something, do it right. When belching you want it loud and long _like_ this."

With that Raph demonstrated the proper way to burp.

" Sorry" Rama muttered, looking anything but contrite judging from the large smile she wore on her face. " I'll try to remember next time." She vowed.

" Eh, it ain't your fault kid it is the crap yer drinking" Raph assured her. He was forever giving her a bad time about the dangers of root beer. Raph smiled back " Back to work now, " Why don't you lead the way Ramiela?"

Rama bounced in eagerness at those words " Really? I get to lead? Aw coool!" her eyes sparkled with pleasure at such a chance. She knew the route they had to take, but normally she was stuck following other's lead.

" Yeah, I think you can handle it kid" Raph agreed.

" You are the _best_ Uncle ever" Rama exclaimed, " Now just try and keep up and don't get lost."

It was only a few minutes later when Raph called to her " Hold up Ramiela, something ain't right."

Rama reached out with her own senses " I don't feel anything," She whispered softly her hands touching the sais tucked into her belt.

Still she knew from the test Sensei had given her that ninja could mask their presence from others, it was a mental part of training and one that she wasn't very good at, as of yet.

"Stand at my back at the ready" Raph ordered briskly.

Rama knew she could fool around a bit more with her favourite Uncle, then she could with any other member of the family when on patrol, but she also knew when her Uncle talked like that it was time to listen and obey, immediately if not sooner.

She also knew her uncle's senses were better tuned to the night and activities around them, then her own senses were, so she hastened to obey.

In a mere second she stood with her carapace against his, she heightened her senses reaching out to detect the least little thing that was off kilter.

She had battled the Foot, their nemesis, before and she wondered if some of the Foot soldiers were now near by waiting for a chance to strike, just because she couldn't sense them, didn't mean they weren't there.

She stilled her breathing doing a quick meditative exercise.

She could feel the tenseness in her uncle's stance and she heard him mutter something very softly behind her.

" Lets move out but stay close to me" Raph ordered after a few minutes had passed with nothing showing itself.

Just a short time ago he had felt a very subtle pricking at the back of his mind, he felt suddenly as if he was being watched, a feeling that Raph didn't care for at the best of times, but that coupled with a darting movement on a roof top across the way, the dark shape moving out of the corner of his eye, and when he turned his head, he had seen nothing of importance bothered him.

It felt too much like ninja activity for him to put it at rest, and his own ninja instincts were sounding the alarm. No Raph was quite certain that there had to be some members of the Foot Clan nearby.

He decided to try and get to a better vantage and fighting point then where they were positioned now.

Ramiela had a few skirmishes with the Foot before, no big battles as of yet, but the entire turtle clan knew it was coming. The Foot were aware of the novice turtle ninja, and they had been testing her skills where and when they could.

The Foot knew a younger member might be weaker then the adult turtles, and due to less battle experience she could be more vulnerable, but in testing her the Foot were also helping her to grow stronger and better.

Still, Raph knew, that the Foot clan would try a major strike on Rama, when they felt there was less chance of reinforcements getting in their way, so for the Foot the best time was when Rama was only chaperoned by one adult.

Raph had a strange feeling that they had enough of testing her basic skills and might try for endurance next, how well could the initiate hold up against mass numbers. It was something the Foot had to be asking themselves.

It was something the whole turtle clan was expecting to happen, they didn't know when or where, but they knew that it would come, it was something that Mike dreaded because he was worried how a young Rama could manage in such a situation, it was something Leo was hoping would come soon, because Rama had some very important lessons to learn about battle and fighting, and the sooner she could learn these lessons the better.

Still the whole turtle clan knew it was up to the Foot to give those lessons, it was not something that could be taught in the safety of their dojo.

Raph growled suddenly feeling that possible the Foot were going start it tonight, here and now.

_'Course I have been wrong before, and maybe this quiet night is just getting to me.'_ Raph thought to himself.

They landed on a rooftop, and from the shadows near the edge, and from a billboard sign displayed up on the rooftop Foot soldiers began to emerge, it was as if the very shadows of the building had given birth to the dark garbed soldiers.

Raph didn't have to say a thing, Ramiela was used to the drill and instantly took position, with her back to his, and she drew her katanas, she gulped nervously as she looked around at the number of Foot, and her senses told her others were coming fast now the trap had been sprung.

She could feel her heart begin to race, under her plastron, and she shifter uneasily on her feet waiting for the Foot to bring the battle to them.

" Uncle Raphael?" she managed to say, the words coming out in a squeak.

" One at a time Ramiela, focus. No pulling punches go for the kill," Raph ordered out of the side of his mouth.

He only hoped his niece was up to that sort of challenge, she had never been in a position where she had to kill, before now, so he knew that his words would put her into a quandary, but this was not a time to be nice, and spare lives, not when up against this many. Not when saving their life might mean the end of your own.

It was time Ramiela earned her mark as a true warrior, and know what it meant to take a life.

Raph spun his sais and put on his best intimidating look, he knew whether Rama managed to make a kill or not tonight, and she darn well better kill, it was up to him to protect her and take on most of the battle.

He could handle the Foot single handed if he had to, his biggest worry right now, was what Mike might do to him if Rama ended up badly injured if she opted to disobey the kill command.

_' Easier to take these guys down then face Mike later, besides I can kill the Foot, killing Mike just wouldn't be right.'_ Raph told himself.

The Foot came in fast, and Raph reached down inside of himself, tapping into the pit of his anger, the fire that fed his wild uncontrollable temper, he allowed it to come to the forefront, let it fill him with anger and hatred, and an all encompassing desire to destroy his enemies. In short he entered the blood rage and used it with his ninja skills to aid in the battle ahead.

Raph was a dangerous, lethal enemy when he was like this, and he never fought stronger or better then when he allowed both his anger and his ninja training to fight in a battle. Raph knew he needed it now to help protect Ramiela, he loved her and was determined, that no matter what happened she would make it out of this alive.

A sword flashed down and Raph used his sai to block the strike, he ducked a swing from a bisento axe and then plunged his other weapon into the gut of another soldier, there was a gasp of air, as the hapless soldier slumped.

The warmth of the blood that trickled from the corpse down the blade of his weapon caused Raph's grin to grow into something truly sinister and menacing. He wasted no time pulling his weapon free and swinging his sai to block another strike, while kicking at a staff that swung towards him, hitting the staff off mark.

Rama meanwhile found herself having to jump quickly to one side as a soldier tried to entangle her feet with a manriki gusari, she dropped her blade blocking the chained weapon catching a loop of it on the sword tip and hurling the weapon away.

A nunchuk swung towards her head and she used her other katana to block hitting the wood, then used her sword to drop down and slice at the soldier who wielded the chuks.

She sliced at his hand and the soldier was forced to drop the weapon.

_' All life is valuable and has meaning, these are someone's sons, daughters, perhaps they are even parents.'_ Rama told herself, '_I can't kill them; I know Uncle Raphael said I had to, but I can't. **I just can't do it!'**_

She felt the strange feeling in the pit of her belly and the adrenaline rush that always came when she battled, even in simple things like busting up the petty crimes on patrol. There was lots of Foot but she was sure that there was no reason to kill.

All of her life she had been taught by both her Sensei, and the Master himself that killing was wrong and all life was important.

To kill would betray her training, to kill would be dishonourable. The Foot could kill for no reason but, she was determined to maintain honour by seeking to disarm her opponents and if necessary injure them, though not fatally.

She was aware that her Uncle did not always obey ninja rules, or hold much to ninja honour, it was an area they differed in, while she like her sensei felt honour was of extreme importance, her Uncle's views were, not exactly opposite for he did have his own brand of honour, it was just he was more willing to bend the rules. He was not opposed to killing and he felt it was all right.

Rama was old enough to know that he was also the clan's executioner, a name and title he seemed to live up to now as he killed soldier on top of soldier, but others kept coming.

Rama felt afraid, she had never felt this sort of fear before in battle, but she felt a bit more comforted by the fact that outside of her Sensei, her Uncle Raphael was probably the most impressive fighter of their clan, she felt safer with him. She allowed that thought to stay with her, to help her maintain focus on the battle that surrounded them.

Raph gave a quick tornado kick pushing the Foot back and away, he realized that most of the Foot Soldiers were trying to keep him occupied, and he had a feeling that by numbers they might strive to get him down so they could then go after Rama.

He had all ready killed three of the Foot but he sensed Rama's hesitation, and he knew some of the ones she was hitting were getting back up to continue the fight, picking up fallen or discarded weapons.

" Rama. KILL! You have to!" he barked over the clash of weapons.

He didn't hear a response to confirm or deny his words, but he had to focus his attention on another set of soldiers that were coming in fast.

For a moment his focus had to remain on the Foot soldiers to the front and side of him, his sai spinning in a blurring motion as he struck, parried, counterattacked, each swing of a weapon.

He was aware that in the battle he and Rama had been pushed slightly away from each other, Rama was now to his left, and with her hesitation to kill she was in a dangerous position, and Raph longed to get over to her, so he could protect her further.

At the present moment however he was unable to get more then a step towards her for the surrounding Foot pressed close and kept his attention riveted completely on them. For now Rama had to be left alone.

Rama felt the tip of a kusari gama hook bite into her arm, and she cried out in sudden pain, in spite of herself. She could see the red blood seep out of the deep wound almost instantly, a chain snapped out wrapping her ankles and she was pulled roughly to the ground her chin hitting the roof top, and she felt blood in her mouth.

She had managed though to maintain her weapon and swung her blade out at the feet and reached into her belt to toss a few shuriken.

The throwing stars dug into legs of her opponents and gave her enough of a chance to untangle her legs from the chain.

She stood up her chest heaving and starting to sweat a bit from her exertions.

She glanced disenchanted around at the number of soldiers still remaining, wondering where they all came from, not realizing many of them were ones she had not finished off by striking only simple injuries to.

She knocked a soldier unconscious with a kick to the head and turned just in time to see where her Uncle was.

Raph was still busy with the press of soldiers who seemed determined to wear him out by sheer number, if not by skill, and he was aware of another soldier coming in from behind. However Raph, good of a fighter as he was, could not meet the challenge from behind for if he did, a Soldier in the front might make a killing blow, his only hope was to dodge it in some way.

Rama watched with wide eyes, she was almost certain that she was about to see the inevitable death of her beloved uncle, by a low life Foot soldier who was going commit a cowardly katana strike from behind, and she found herself standing frozen unable to prevent it.

Suddenly Rama let loose a scream of anger and fury "**Nooooo!"**

She wasn't even aware that she was moving at fast speed, very fast speed. She slammed her sword forward and it plunged through the soldier's midsection.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Of Life and death

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Two:

Rama pulled her katana free of the body and whirled about to stand, once again, with her back to her Uncle's back, she was determined, that no other Foot soldier would try such a cowardly act tonight. In the heat of battle she didn't realize what she had done, she acted, merely on instinct alone.

Her eyes were focused on the soldiers clustered around them, not on those who had fallen and lay in pools of blood.

Raph and the Foot were aware of the young warrior's act.

" Good going Ramiela. Keep it up cause they ain't too happy at the moment." Raph praised her quickly.

The Foot now began to press in closer, but Rama was still just enough ticked off, at her enemies that she struck without paying much attention to the amount of force she was using. Her anger fuelled her hits, making them harder, stronger and faster. She was no longer holding back using only a portion of her skill, she was going all the way.

Raph sensed it and smiled, he recalled that Mike had frozen the first time he had made a kill, he had been so upset by what he had done, that he had become practically useless. Luckily for his more sensitive brother, the battle they had been locked in, at that time, was drawing to an end and it was fairly easy for the others to protect Mike.

The first kill could hit you moments after making it, or have a delayed affect, hitting sometime days later, it seemed like Ramiela was one of the latter types, who would only acknowledge what she had done some time later.

That was just as well, considering the amount of Foot still hanging around, Raph didn't want to push his luck into trying to save Rama and himself.

However when the battle wore down and the adrenaline dropped then Ramiela would have to face what she had done and then who knows how she would react to the news.

For now though they stood slashing out at the black garbed soldiers that gathered around them, more bodies slumped to join those who would never walk, or breathe again for that matter.

Finally the remaining Foot Soldiers decided to beat a hasty retreat their numbers significantly smaller then before.

Raph reached into a belt pouch for a rag to wipe off the worst of the blood from the metal prongs of his weapon. He nudged Ramiela offering her another rag in silence; he noted the heavy rise and fall of her chest plates, as she tried to gain her breath.

Rama took the rag and glanced at her katana, her eyes widened and she inhaled sharply as she saw the amount of blood staining the blades, it was so much blood, far too much blood. Moving quickly she swiped the rag over the metal, and dropped the offensive, blood soaked rag to the ground, before placing her katanas securely in their scabbards.

" Lets go," She whispered in a dull ragged way.

Rama wanted to get away from this rooftop, right now she didn't care where she went, she just didn't want to be around the sight, smell or taste of death.

Raph sighed, realizing that it was starting to hit his niece now. He wanted to get her away from this, he wanted to protect her from it, but he knew he couldn't.  
Raph knew that **this** was to be an important part of Ramiela's life, it was what they had been training her for, and slowly bringing her to, since she had first started her training at the age of three. He knew that he couldn't let her run from death; she had to accept it, or live in fear of the grim reaper.

" Ramiela" Raph spoke softly but sternly as possible, " Listen to me, there is nothing wrong in killing for the right reasons. The Foot would have killed me and then you, not even give us a bit o' mercy. Tonight it was all about living or dying" he explained, he cupped her face in his rough calloused hands, " **You **saved my life tonight. There is nothing wrong in killing to save or protect someone you love." He took her by the shoulders and turned her around, "Look at it Ramiela. Look and accept that _yes_ you killed some of those people."

Rama whimpered and shrank against her Uncle trying to turn from the ghastly sight.

" **Ramiela look!"** Raph barked sharply, in a tone he used when he would not accept her disobedience, in a matter. But he squeezed her shoulder at the same time to let her know he was there with her.

Rama braced herself to stare at the carnage before her, though it was the last thing she wanted to do. Rama heard her uncle telling her something.

" Remember you killed to save a life. We as ninja live by a certain code. You abided by that code tonight. You are a kunoichi and you ought to be proud that you can save lives with what you know." Raph insisted.

Rama scowled not quite understanding what he meant, but she nodded her head as if she did comprehend.

Raph gave her shoulder a reassuring pat " Come on now we have to go home."

" We still have patrol time, and we still have our sector to finish" Rama protested.

" Ramiela you are hurt your arm needs stitching and so does your chin by the looks of it." Raph declared.

Rama wiped her arm across her chin, saw it come away with blood, she shook her head. " I must have hurt it when the Foot pulled me down, but I didn't even feel it." She murmured.

" Yeah, we both need looking after kid, so come on home now." Raph crooned gently, he could tell by his niece's attitude and behaviour that she was all ready entering shock, running on automatic pilot as she tried to get things going 'normal' again. He wanted to get her home where she would have time to absorb and accept her role in the evening's battle.

Raph was also fully aware that she was not capable of handling another battle at the moment and longed to get her to safety before the Foot regrouped and came after them again.

He knew that there were certain stages that could be expected with the first kill, just as there were stages to grieving, not everyone would follow all the stages, but it was only natural to expect each person to hit a few of those stages. Ramiela at the moment seemed to be in denial, and in a desperate bid to get back into her routine to make things appear as _if_ all was well.

" All right uncle" Rama relented with a heavy sigh, she would be grateful just to leave this rooftop.

Raph lead the way, taking a scenic route to insure that they weren't being followed, the further they went into the sewer, and the further they were from the battle scene, the more natural Rama began to act, her sobered, mood seemed to perk up a bit.

Being Mike's daughter she could hardly stand still at the best of times, never mind being calm and controlled in the euphoria after battle. Knowing you survived could be an addictive high.

He sensed that she was having some trouble concentrating on staying quiet and moving with the amount of stealth required of her in the sewers. Right now she could ignore, or pretend to forget her actions.

Raph smiled knowing while she may have put the violent images from her mind now. They would return. Her subconscious would not allow her to forget, and by forcing her to look upon the fallen, he had helped imprint in her mind the one rule and law that was as old as time itself.

The law of survival, that insisted the strong survived, and the weak fell.

They finally entered their home; the lair was dark and quiet in the early morning hours " Go see Don let him get ya patched up. I'm gonna talk to Leo. When Don is done wit ya give your katanas a proper clean in the dojo." Raph instructed her quietly so as not to disturb any family members, " Oh and do me a favour kid, and clean my sais for me, I don't know how quick I'll be able to escape Leo."

Rama smiled " No problem, after all you still have your injuries to tend to as well Uncle Raphael" Rama agreed cheerfully taking his weapons from him and heading towards the other direction from him.

Raph knew Leo would be in the meditation room waiting to learn how the young kunoichi had fared on her shift. Whenever Leo himself did not have charge of his student for her patrol time, he would go and meditate awaiting any news good or bad, on how things had gone.

Raph had sent one brief mental message to his brother stating 'Foot ambush. Returning home.' And nothing more, but he knew Leo would be expecting to see him.

Leo, though he was only technically chunin, or second in command of the clan, had taken on many of the duties of jonin, from Splinter, so their mentor could enjoy a bit more free time for meditating reading, or being with his grandchildren.

Leo looked up as Raph entered the meditation room " Raph it could have waited until you cared for your worst injuries." He chided gently, " I don't need to hear from you immediately." He said shaking his head.

" It couldn't wait Leo, Rama killed tonight."

Leo's posture straightened up, his eyes narrowed slightly, he'd been purposely keeping Rama back from certain patrols, and not letting her join them during time when the Foot activity was too heavy for Ramiela to handle.

Until Rama could kill she was in many ways a hindrance, more then an asset to the team. However Ramiela needed small battles and skirmishes to build her confidence and her skill level. Some training could only come in battle.

Killing might now mean that Ramiela was ready to take it to the next level, that was at least the basis of the idea, but Leo was aware she'd need time first to recover from killing for the first time.

Raph seeing he now had Leo's full and undivided attention quickly gave him the run down of the battle and more importantly how Rama had come to his rescue.

" I could possibly have dodged the Foot's strike from behind but I still would have been injured, either from him or one of his buddies who were trying to keep my interest, or possibly injured from both ends" Raph paused, " Ramiela seems all right for now" he grinned then and arched his eye ridges " But I don't know how long that is going to last."

" Did she hesitate after the kill?" Leo wondered.

" Naw after the first she just kept fighting and killing where she could," Raph admitted with pride, " She might have put off killing long as she could spite o' wat I tole her ta, but once she did, she was fine."

Leo reflected on those words, he knew from his, and his brother's own experiences that it wasn't easy to make that first kill, killing wasn't supposed to be easy. If it were to become so, then one might forget to value life. Still to compound a second and more kills on top meant that it might hit her harder, when his student did realize what she had done.

" Where is she now Raph?" He asked curiously.

" Either with Don getting patched up or in the dojo cleaning the weapons properly" Raph remarked simply.

Leo nodded understanding, blood was familiar enough sight, in their business but having Rama clean the weapons of blood would only help her to focus on the events of the night.

" Go get yourself cleaned up Raph, I'll go take care of her." Leo assured his brother as he stood up and gestured Raph ahead of him.

Leo sighed inwardly knowing he'd now have to catch Mike when he returned home from his patrol to let his brother know about recent circumstances. Mike he knew would not be happy to hear the news. His easygoing brother could be less relaxed in matters concerning his daughter.

Mike knew Rama had to grow up and face her future as a ninja, but his father instincts wanted to protect her from growing up too quickly and also to keep her from harm. Each momentous growth step, in Ramiela's training, caused Mike a great deal of concern and anxiousness, as he tried to come to grips with the fact his daughter was growing up and taking her rightful place in the clan.

Leo headed towards the dojo, he found his niece sitting on the floor carefully polishing her katanas, he reached out with his senses and felt her excitement from the recent battle, but also a touch of soberness as if she was starting to ground herself in the simple routine of weapon cleaning.

He entered the dojo moving silently more due to years of habit then anything else, but Rama turned her head and saw him, as if aware that he was there.

" Hi Sensei."

Leo smiled " Raph tells me you had a rough night."

" Sort of" Rama shrugged, " it was kind of crazy for a bit" she confessed as she flashed a grin, " The Foot seemed to be everywhere, I'd never seen so many before, they just kept coming too, like out of everywhere. It was like a giant Foot convention or something" Rama's tone rose in pitch, her excitement glowing in her eyes as she related the events.

Leo smiled inwardly, easily recognizing Mike's enthusiasm, as well as the natural thrill that came with battle.

" How did you manage to handle so many?" Leo asked kindly keeping his voice calm as possible, in hopes of influencing Ramiela to also regain calmness.

" I don't know. Sheer luck I guess," She hazarded in a cheeky way, " I must be getting good cause as soon as I got one down another took its place," She boasted.

Leo decided her cockiness needed to be taken down a peg or two, " Perhaps if you had dispatched the Foot in the first place you wouldn't have had to worry about them coming back after you, they would have stayed down." He kept his voice stern as he gave her this bit of advice.

Rama grimaced " I didn't want to kill though Sensei, though Uncle Raphael told me that I ought to."

" You know, you are supposed to obey the orders of whoever you are with, when on patrol," Leo reminded her firmly.

" I know but we are suppose to value life. All life has meaning right?" Rama countered quickly.

" Ramiela have you ever heard of the Shaolin monks of China?" Leo queried.

" Yes, Uncle Donatello has taught me about them in school" Rama replied, " They have been around for many years, and they help preserve the peace as well as seeking enlightenment."

" Yes the monks have a saying about fighting, for preserving peace does not always mean staying peaceful. Sometimes to keep the peace you must fight and make war, and therefore one must sometimes choose the lesser of two evils," Leo explained as he dropped easily down to the lotus position.

Rama scowled shaking her head " I don't understand" she said her brow furrowing in puzzlement.

" The Shaolin monks when deciding how much force to use, in certain situations, follow a certain progression" Leo informed her, " Avoid rather than check, check rather than hurt, hurt rather than maim, maim rather than kill."

Rama nodded her head; she understood that, in short it was the same message she had heard numerous times before. Life all life had meaning and it was wrong to kill or through inaction allow another human to be seriously hurt or killed by another. She knew that because she had been trained that way, as ninja she sort of expected it.

" There are times in life when killing becomes necessary Ramiela. Raphael chose to kill because the number of Foot, were overwhelming. If you are asked to kill by one of us, you should trust our judgement" Leo declared.

" But Sensei isn't killing…" Rama paused squirming; " Well Uncle Raphael is sort of use to it" she finished lamely

" You think that he killed needlessly then?" Leo countered giving her a piercing stare.

Rama squirmed uneasily under his hard glare.

Leo knew that the next bit would not be easy and he braced himself for what he was about to do to his niece, as her sensei he had to do it, for he knew that Ramiela had to admit to taking a life, just as she once admitted to saving one.

" Did you kill tonight Ramiela?" Leo demanded sharply.

Rama gulped, hanging her head and quickly looking a different way, anywhere but into her Sensei's eyes and face. He all ready seemed to know that she had broken the rules.

_' Why is it I can never seem to obey, even when I want to?' _Rama wondered to herself, _' I try I just can't seem to do it.'_

" Ramiela?"

" I only did it to help Uncle Raphael, I didn't mean to, I didn't want to" she half snapped half sobbed.

" Didn't mean to do **what** Ramiela?" Leo pressed her for a confession, he all ready knew why she had acted, that wasn't what he wanted to hear, it was the act, itself, that Rama had to accept and now come to grips with, by shoving it aside and ignoring it she wouldn't be able to.

Rama trembled as she broke into tears, dropping her katana she lowered her face in her hands and sobbed. " I killed him, I killed him. I didn't mean to, but I killed" She wailed in misery. " I used my katana and it…I…I'm so sorry."

Leo pulled her into his arms holding her tight as the kunocihi, the child, broke down and cried her grief as she accepted the fact.

" Yes Ramiela you did kill, but you did it to save a life. If you hadn't killed, both Raph and you, could be dead by now" Leo sought now to comfort his student, and reassure her that she hadn't done anything wrong. " Killing to save someone is **not** wrong and it doesn't go against your training. We don't care to take anyone's life but there are times when we are left with no other option" Leo kissed her forehead and stroked her back.

He waited until her sobs died down, he knew that she was now too exhausted to accept much more, she was literally strung out and needed a chance to rest a bit.

" You have been through a great deal tonight Ramiela, and we will talk more after you have had a chance to rest."

Rama sniffed a bit as she sat back, she felt too worn out to question or dispute the matter, as she might have under better circumstances, that plus the fact she had not fully accepted her role in the evenings battle as of yet, yes she had spoken the words but that was just a simple first step. There would be more to come later.

Instead Rama nodded her head numbly in agreement to her Sensei's words.

" Look at you, you are practically asleep on your feet" Leo chided gently, " Go on get to bed and get some rest" He ordered gently.

He had a better knowledge of where his student was, by the time she woke she would be asking questions and doubting her training and then she would need counselling. Leo knew how to handle the kunoichi, and he knew what had to be said to her, but just the same he wanted to have Splinter there to help in the matter. For Rama would be more likely to accept both of their words together, when she heard it, then just hearing it from one at a time.

Leo sighed it was going be a rough night, and a not so pleasant morning.

TBC

**Mikaela's Spade: **Well this story is probably going have at least two more chapters yet. Really a short story for me. A gratitude for your insight.

**Tbreader: **Rama loves her root beer and Raph loves to tease her about it. Yes Rama is more mature then most kids her age, but in many ways she is still quite young and killing for the first time is something that can shake up even someone who is older. I plan on about four or five chapters, hopefully completed before you go but I make no promises. A gratitude for your insight.

**Lunar Ninja: **You can really burp without soda? What an incredible talent, I am sure you will fit in well at the turtle lair. A gratitude for your insight.

**Reinbeauchaser:** It ought to be a bit familiar chapter 30 RR, we wrote a couple of paragraphs about Rama's first kill for a talk with Gabby. This story has been asking and now demanding to be written ever since. Rama has indeed learned a hard lesson but lesson isn't over yet. A gratitude for your insight.

**Chibi Rose Angel:** No the Foot would not be considerate but Rama hasn't had to kill before now. Considering the story's plot the title was rather easy to come up with, nice for a change usually I have a great deal of trouble with titles. A gratitude for your insight.

**Digimon Girl: **Glad to hear it and I hope you continue to enjoy the latest Rama instalment. A gratitude for your insight.

**Lenni:** Death isn't always pretty and Rama's training does help her in overcoming her little hurdle of not wanting to kill, luckily for Raph. A gratitude for your insight.

**Splinter:** For the turtle clan all of them must make that first kill as a crucial part of training, but of course that training also means some help and counselling through the aftermath. A gratitude for your insight.

**TMNTNut:** Gee thanks and yes this story will continue for a couple more chapters at least. There are also other Rama stories posted as well, it is a whole series and I keep thinking up more. A gratitude for your insight.

**Pretender Fanatic:** You volunteered for training hmm? Well I hope you get some enjoyment out of it, in between times glad you could stop to enjoy a bit of fan fiction. Making the choice to kill, especially when you are one of the good guys, should never be easy. Rama's favourite drink root beer. She is addicted to that stuff, one day I might try to write a whole fic around her little RB habit. A gratitude for your insight.


	3. Chapter 3

Of Life and death

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians. Nor do I own the poem or words of Pastor Martin Niemoller - They came for the..

Chapter Three:

Rama woke stifling a scream from a nightmare, she shuddered violently as she looked around her bedroom, her sais rested on the nightstand by her bed, and her katanas were within easy reach on the other side of the nightstand. She swallowed as she stared at the sheathed swords.

In her dream she had seen, in slow motion, the deaths she had caused with this weapon, she had seen the blood dripping from the swords, heard the sword as it plunged in or sliced at her opponents.

Rama whimpered slightly looking at her weapons as if she had never seen them before, she knew her dream was real; she had actually done those things, but how? She wasn't like **_that._** She didn't want to kill.

Yes, she was fully aware that ninja were assassins but she had always assumed that was part of ancient history; that ninja didn't do that any more, or at least her clan didn't. Her clan placed life ahead of killing; she knew that, so how could things have gone wrong?

She had earned the right to patrol only by proving to her clan that other's deserved to live. She recalled saving the young boy's life and how she had hid what she had done from her family at all cost, afraid that they would be angry with her for revealing herself to an outsider. However she cold not allow Nate to be killed by a speeding truck either. When her family finally learned her secret, Rama had learned how much importance was placed on saving and protecting lives. It had made the broken leg and concussion she had suffered almost worthwhile.

Now though it seemed as if her clan was telling her killing was all right, and that was rather hypocritical not to mention conflicting.

Rama felt bile rise in her throat and she sprang from the bed to head to the closest washroom, hoping no one else would be in there, because she doubted her ability to get to the next bathroom.

After emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet she made a face, flushed and stood on shaky legs turning to the sink she washed her hands and face in cold water, and then rinsed her mouth out with a glass of water.

She shook and bit her bottom lip she had so many questions swimming around in her mind, and while she recalled her Sensei instructing her about the Shaolin monks of China and how they decided upon how far to go in any conflict, she had to wonder if her training had been all for naught.

I mean they were supposed to be the _good guys_ right? Killing was wrong and it didn't suit the hero status that she had perceived her family as having. It was hard to feel proud of something when inside you knew it was wrong.

Not that allowing her Uncle to die would have been right either, but if she had perhaps blocked the blow instead of killing that soldier then maybe… it was something to consider. Yet her Sensei had approved her tactics and that made her wonder about what he was really training her for?

She returned to her bedroom and started to suit up and prepare for the day, but when it came time to strap on her swords she found she couldn't do it. Instead she only looked at them, as if they had turned into something vile and dangerous. She shook her head, and left the bedroom without even touching her katanas.

Rama decided to keep herself busy in hopes of purging these disturbing images from her mind, so she figured on heading to the kitchen and perhaps starting breakfast for the younger members of the clan, as the older members opted to eat after the morning work out.

She moved passed the other bedrooms and towards the living room, where she saw her dad sitting on the couch, sipping coffee and watching a show on TV, with the sound turned down, he looked up at her.

" Rama what's up girl?" Mike asked cautiously, he was all ready fully aware of what was going on, he sensed his daughter's confusion and turmoil, plus Leo had warned him of Ramiela's accomplishment.

Mike found it rather odd that Leo would consider killing an accomplishment, but then Splinter had been no different with them. Mike also noted the absence of her katanas.

Rama glanced away unwilling to meet her dad's eyes, " Too much" she mumbled, " I don't want to talk about it."

" Ramiela come sit!" Mike kept his voice gentle and yet firm enough to let her know that this was not an option for her, " You can't run from what happened girl. You just have to face it now."

Rama raised her head, " Sensei told you?" She asked softly.

" Of course he did Rama."

" Don't tell me your happy about it" the girl sneered, " that this is going be a part of my life. Cause I don't want to hear it."

Mike stood up and walked over to Rama, he cupped her face in his hands and raised her head to look into her face, " It won't make you forget and it won't make things any easier. No, I'm not really happy about it because, it is a terrible thing, but Rama sometimes we must walk into darkness before we see the light" Mike did his best to keep his tone gentle, " I don't want to see you killing or putting your life in danger, I wish it didn't have to be that way Rama but our lives don't exactly allow us to live the way other people can."

" I don't want to kill dad, its wrong. I am not an assassin all right?" Rama snapped trying to pull away from Mike.

Mike gripped her firmly not letting her break free, " Ramiela, ninja might be hired to cause death to certain people, but we don't do that." Mike insisted.

" Don't lie to me. As long as we kill it is the same thing" Rama disputed sharply.

" No it isn't Rama, we kill only when necessary, when we are left with no other choice. Assassinations are different. When I made my first kill I was very upset by it, just as you are now, and Splinter he read to me something from a very old tattered book," Mike spoke softly in a fond reminiscent way, " It was one of the many books Splinter had found while scavenging and Splinter enjoyed reading many things, but he said there was some things in that book hat he particularly liked."

" What does this have to do with anything?" Rama grumped sourly.

" Splinter read to me a bit out of that book, I remember it even now. It said to everything there is a season, a time to be born and a time to die, a time to pick up stones and a time to cast stones aside," Mike continued to explain, " a time for war and a time for peace" He paused, " We are at war with the Foot Rama, they look at us and see us as freaks so for them it is an easy kill, but we see them as people and it isn't easy to kill. We still have to do it though because when you are at war it is kill or be killed."

" Well maybe I don't want to be a part of this war. It has nothing to do with me, I didn't start it." Rama fumed as she ducked and pulled away from Mike.

Mike moved fast to block her off from her sudden retreat, " You are a part of it whether you like it or not. I couldn't keep you out of it" Mike's voice was full of regret and longing. " Rama because you were born into our clan, you are one of their enemies and you became a part of the war." Mike shook his head bowing it, " We thought it was over, we had thought that we had won, instead we ended up just losing, because what we thought was victory was only a riptide pulling us under into bitter revenge." He spoke with deep regret, " The Foot came back, and they are, if anything, more intent then ever on finishing us off. I don't know how long the war is going to last, or if we can even escape it, New York is our home and it would be dangerous to leave here, besides the Foot may track us down and catch us unaware."

Rama sniffed, "So now what?" she muttered, " I have to fight or kill whether I want to or not?"

" Ramiela" Mike began softly.

" **No**! We have a choice and we don't have to kill…" Rama declared.

" Child it is time, I think, for us to discuss some important matters" came a soft soothing voice that could only belong to the Master of the clan. " You are confused and uncertain, which means you require guidance and if you trust me, you will allow me to help you now."

Rama glanced up and over to see Splinter standing on the other side of the room, the rat's gaze was gentle and questioning, he waited patiently, leaning on his stick, and his tail moving ever so slightly from side to side for Rama to make her decision. He knew that it was up to her, to accept help or reject it. However by him coming to her now the odds were more on their side.

Rama cared strongly for Splinter, and of course she respected him fully, she knew the Master was wise and gentle but age was starting to slow him down, but in spite of arthritis and other common problems of aging taking their toll, the Master often spent time instructing her in some of her lessons. For some reason she seemed to gain more from Splinter's lessons then those Sensei gave. She also knew one did not say no to the Master lightly, it was even harder to deny him especially when he put things like that.

Finally Rama nodded " I'll listen to you Master." She admitted.

Splinter smiled, " Ah, but will you also voice questions Ramiela, will you be unafraid to speak your mind?"

Rama shrugged, uneasily, voicing her doubts about her training to her father was one thing, speaking these same doubts to the Master and her Sensei another thing again.

Splinter nodded his head, as if he knew her thoughts " To fully help you reach understanding you must clear the doubts in your mind and heart," the Master suggested.

Rama considered this " I'll try."

Splinter gave a slow shake of his head " Trying is not enough, trying sets you up for failure child."

Rama glanced up at Mike, her dad very much wanted to nudge her towards the ninja Master, but he also knew Rama had to do it on her own, so hard as it was for him he remained impassive to her silent plea.

Rama walked towards Splinter and bowed before him, " I'll do my best" she amended.

" If you truly do your best then, that is all I ask." Splinter replied returning her bow.

Rama willing followed the Master, but not without a few glances towards Mike as if silently asking for his protection, or some thing.

Splinter lead her to the meditation room, Leo was all ready there pouring cups of tea from the teapot, the smell of incense and burning candles filled the room, it was a familiar scent in the meditation room for those smells would linger long after anything was left burning.

Well padded mats covered the floor, a small coffee table was set on the right side of the room, near the lone chair, and a lamp, the end wall was full of shelves for their many books on fighting, meditating and enlightenment itself. Donatello had fixed up a small music system into the room, but Splinter would only allow soft soothing, relaxing music to be played in the confines of this one room, no jarring loud, ear splitting noise to take away the peace and serenity.

Leo smiled at his student and handed her a cup of hot brew, Rama inhaled the fragrant scent of the liquid, before taking a cautionary sip from the cup, quickly identifying other herbs that had been used in the making of this tea.

" Ramiela we know you have questions and it is also quite normal to have doubts about us or what we are doing, after getting what might seem to be mixed messages." Leo began calmly.

" That is an understatement," Rama mumbled, as she eased herself down onto the mats and rested her cup in front of her.

" There are many ways of killing or being killed child," Splinter informed her.

" What's the difference if you all" Rama interrupted quickly, and then if suddenly recalling who she was with made a small "oh" noise her eyes growing larger and her mouth opening into a circle, " never mind" she concluded.

Splinter smiled, " No finish what you were going to say" Splinter encouraged her as Leo helped the rat to ease down on the mats.

" Well I mean once some thing is dead, it can't come back, it can't be changed so all killing equals the same thing no matter how one died in that killing." Rama spoke hesitantly.

" You do have a strong point Ramiela" Leo confirmed, "Tell me Ramiela what is _in _and _yo._"

"It is the Japanese equivalent of yin and yang. All things are connected, even things that seem extreme opposites are really all the same, there is light and dark in all." Rama replied by rote.

" Very well then so killing by in and yo standards is really both bad and good depending on how it is used, and the consequences of the act itself." Leo concluded, " Look when you saved Nate's life you put his life ahead of yours, ahead of your own safety and well being. You thought we would punish you but we didn't"

" I remember Sensei, that's what makes this so hard to understand" Rama moaned she picked up her mug staring into the cup, for a moment all she could see was blood and she set the cup back down.

" Killing for the sake of killing, killing someone because they are evil, and you feel they deserve to die is wrong. Killing to save the life of another is not wrong. One must place their priorities" Leo insisted.

Rama scowled, " Then how does one decide or know, when do you end up crossing the line between one or another?"

Splinter nodded, " A good question. In war, one must decide what is right in their heart, if they believe in a cause they can move the world and change it for the better, or worse. History tells us this." Splinter raised his own cup and sipped.

"In war one must decide to kill or be killed by opponents, you are given the training but what you do with it is something else. Training with a group of others forms a bond of comradeship between one another, so that you are more likely to give your life to help another in your troop, but it isn't necessarily the way it works out." Leo insisted, " We have given you the training. You can choose to use it or neglect it, but the consequences of ignoring it means you could lose others you care for."

Splinter laid a hand on his son's arm, " Ramiela, you must ask yourself if what you are fighting for is right. To understand that you must see how the Foot are, at one time the Foot was once a proud organization, perhaps they still are in some places, however the Foot in Japan, and here in America, learned they could extort or make more money by doing illegal business." Splinter sighed reflectively, " The Foot turned to blackmail, drug and gun running, assassination and other less reputable crimes, they began to lose honour became more greedy longing for the material wealth of the world."

" The Foot have hurt many people Ramiela, they don't stop to consider what or where their actions are leading them, they instead follow blindly, or in fear, the orders they are given. They perhaps believe they are fighting for a good cause but they have stumbled so far into the mists they can not see where the path leads them," Leo stated.

" No one would do that." Ramiela declared, " We all think for ourselves or make our own decisions."

" Not always" Leo objected kindly, " Recall war world two."

" Hitler and the Nazis" Rama hissed softly, she had learned about that in school, had been thourghly disgusted to see the show Schindler's list and the concentration camps that had interned so many. Never mind the fate that waited so many that were sent to those fiendish places. She had nightmares after that.

Splinter bowed his head in silent homage, " Hitler helped his country get back on their feet after world war one, but he had outlined his plans in Mein Kampf for the Master race and all he intended to do, yet no one stopped him" Splinter gave a deep regretful sigh, " people continued to look the other way, when he rose to power and gained the loyalty of his Nazis. No one came to the aid of those locked away in the camps, or spoke out for fear of meeting the same fate."

" His greed for power and control ended up causing the war to begin" Rama interjected, " Because people couldn't continue to keep looking the other way."

Leo nodded sombrely, " Sometimes it takes great strength and courage to speak out and stand up for what you know is right. Do you recall Pastor Martin Niemoller's first they came?"

" Uncle Donatello said there are different versions of wording but they are attributed to him, First they came for the Jews and I didn't speak out because I was not a Jew. Then they came for the communists and I did not speak out because I was not a communist. Then they came for the trade unionists and I did not speak out because I was not a trade unionist. Then they came for me and there was no one left to speak for me."

" Very good Ramiela" Splinter approved, " Now Ramiela if you do not speak out or stand up to others then who will speak for you?" Splinter leaned forward, " If something had been done sooner to prevent it many deaths, and a great deal of suffering might have been prevented."

Leo nodded " When we must make the chose to kill Ramiela we need to base it upon how dangerous or how much of a threat this person would be if left alive." Leo explained patiently, " In a battle with odds against you it is okay to kill. For causing small injuries to your opponent might mean you will later succumb to those who seek to harm you. Killing in places where it is only you against one or two, is something that you must learn to use your judgement on," Leo took a drink from his quickly cooling tea, " Killing someone who has all ready proven themselves a threat to us and our existence is sometimes far better then leaving them behind to get you later. Recall the old fable about the deadly snake brought in from the cold, warmed up and bit his benefactor killing that person for their kindness."

Rama grinned slightly " A snake can't help its nature."

" You will learn when to kill and when to settle on lesser degrees." Leo declared.

Rama shook her head violently, " I don't want to kill." She protested.

" None of us want to kill" Leo amended, " Yet sometimes we **have** to kill because we have no other option. Killing isn't supposed to be easy. I hate guns for a reason you know." Leo insisted, " Guns make killing easy because they are quick and impersonal, you don't need a great deal of skill or training to use it, and so you end up having very little respect for it. You have even less respect for other's lives by using such a weapon."

Rama drained the last of her cup, she liked helping her family, she liked patrolling and stopping crimes but killing she didn't want anything to do with that.

" I don't know it is a lot to think about and I still am so unsure," Rama confessed.

" We realize that child, and we know you need time to consider and think things out but tell me this now, do you believe saving Raphael was wrong? Would you trade your Uncle's life for that of the soldier you killed?"

Rama didn't even hesitate, " No, I had to help Uncle Raphael." She blurted out.

" Even if it meant killing?" Leo added.

" I didn't know it meant that then, but I guess if it was the only real way, I suppose not" Rama hedged.

Splinter sighed as he sat back to consider, he glanced towards Leonardo allowing silent communication to pass between them before he turned back to the young Kunoichi. " You need to consider things now, for your self, to make your own choice."

" Ramiela until you decide if you can kill when you must, you will not be allowed on patrol." Leo stated.

Rama almost sprang to her feet " What! Why not?"

" Rama you will be fine on patrol as long as you don't run into the Foot soldiers, the Foot will want to kill you, not because they have to but because they **can**. If you are not willing to kill them when you have to, then you might falter and put yourself and others in danger" Leo explained cautiously, " I don't like pulling you from duty but, it is up to you on if you can do what needs to be done."

" What if I think I am ready but I'm not?" Rama asked.

" If you are ready you will be able to." Leo replied cryptically, " Also if you have any more problems or questions don't be afraid to come to either I, or Splinter."

Rama nodded, she felt she was being punished now but she knew Leo wouldn't go back on his decision.

Splinter smiled at her " You are not being punished child, it is for your safety and others that you remain until you can find the balance you so desperately need for this matter." He soothed.

" I understand Master," she agreed because she did _sort of_ understand but she also knew she needed a great deal of time to consider the whole thing.

TBC

**Lunar Ninja: **Yes, Rama feels guilty and she does have a great deal to work out between her family and herself. A gratitude for your insight.

**Reinbeauchaser:** I think I changed that statement hopefully so it flows smoother now. This chapter I was focusing on other things then Mike's anguish. Was Rama ever innocent? That saying of the Shaolin Monks actually came from a TMNT compilation of short stories, called Shell Shock. The story that used that saying had Don helping out a young teen who was being bullied by others, his father didn't want him fighting, but Don tried to help the boy so he could defend himself. Ooooh, those dastardly plot bunnies! A gratitude for your insight.

**Chibi Rose Angel:** No struggling with titles is common for many authors. I personally don't know who will be more sensitive Rama or Mike. A gratitude for your insight.

**Digimon Girl: **Your reviews are always short sweet and to the point, I like to hear readers enjoy it and even a simple review helps me to know what is being enjoyed or not. A gratitude for your insight.


	4. Chapter 4

Of Life and Death

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Four :

Mike sighed giving his head a shake as he watched Rama follow Splinter, he knew that she would be pulled from duty and he knew how that would only confuse her more. A part of him was elated to know that for a time, he wouldn't have to worry about the danger she might have to face when on patrol, but he also knew that the sooner she could get back out there the better for her.

For Rama's sake he hoped she could come to grips with things quickly, for the longer she went letting the death weigh on her and refusing to kill, the harder it would be for her to get back out on active duty.

" Crazy ninja life" Mike muttered under his breath.

He hated the thought of Rama killing, even if they were at war, she was still only a child, just on the cusps of that most difficult and troubling age, the dreaded teenage years. She was by no means a mature adult, who could make such distinctions or actions with a better comprehension of what she was doing and why.

Mike was aware that Ramiela was far more mature for her age, then many of her peers who were human, the difference in lifestyle and education between humans and mutant turtle child, gave Rama an edge, but in many ways, more emotionally, she was still very much a twelve year old.

Most girls Rama's age might be concerned over what clothes to wear, what boy was cute or that sort of thing, Rama had to face serious decisions and their consequences of her choice.

Mike, himself was conflicted, over this ninja right of passage. He didn't want his daughter killing or having to kill, not at this age or any age. But he also knew it was something that had to come. It was inevitable, it was in her blood, it was in her heritage, it was part of who she was.

The father in him though, wanted to gather her into his arms, shield her from this terrible truth and protect her from harm, offer her comfort and reassurance. The ninja part of him didn't agree with the over protective father, it almost never did.

Mike knew in this instance as in others the ninja would win out. There just wasn't any other way simply because of their life style and the best way to protect Rama from being hurt was by letting her be ninja, because he wasn't always going be where he could protect her, or look out for her. So it was up to her to care for herself. He would much rather see Rama prepared and ready then suffer.

Such knowledge and understanding didn't make things easier on Mike, because the conflict always came, Mike just had to let it go through its stages, much as Rama had to face the stages she was going through.

Mike headed to the kitchen to start breakfast, hoping to get his mind off his doubt and uncertainties.

Rama came in while he was in the midst of scrambling eggs, she wrapped her arms around him from behind, and her mind still in turmoil she was seeking comfort and reassurance, in her childhood way by snuggling up close.

Mike turned and hugged her back; stroking her hair gently " We've all been there Rama. Though it isn't easy."

Rama sniffed a bit " Does it ever get easy?" she asked.

Mike released her turning back to the pan with the eggs in it, but he kept one arm around Rama, " Easy? Oooh, that is a difficult one Rama. Killing isn't always going effect you this way, so the emotional turmoil will be less, so that makes it easier to deal with" Mike explained, " killing in itself that isn't easy. We just do it because it has to be done, you grow more use to killing" Mike shrugged a bit, as he stirred the eggs.

" I don't want to kill, so now I'm being punished for it" Rama grouched miserably.

" None of us **_want_** to kill Rama" Mike insisted he looked at her, " You are not being punished."

" Seems that way to me" Rama snapped, as she pulled away a sulky look on her face.

Mike nodded " I know sort of like being grounded huh?" he said sympathetically, " You're suddenly not allowed to patrol, but it is for your safety and ours, that you can't patrol right now."

" Isn't there some other way dad?" Rama asked hopefully.

" Afraid not hon" Mike replied honestly, " Care to help me with breakfast?" he asked cheerfully, more in hopes of distracting here.

Rama grimaced and blanched slightly " Uh, I don't think so dad. Not today at least" she mumbled backing up.

Mike arched an eye ridge, "I understand your stomach huh?"

Rama gave a slow nod of her head.

" Yeah I was the same way the first day. Looks like you inherited my constitution there girl."

" Gee, thanks! I really appreciate that dad" Rama remarked sarcastically, " I just love paying my dues to the porcelain god you know."

Mike tried not to smile at her bitter comment as Rama left the kitchen.

Rama leaned against the cool concrete pipe, and heaved a heavy sigh. Savings Nate's life had been easy, of course when she had decided to do the task, it hadn't been all that easy, and when she had been injured by the speeding truck, well that had only seemed to make matters worse, at least in her eyes.

She found her footsteps backtracking to pass the kitchen and go towards the area of the lair set aside for bedrooms; she needed to see Uncle Donatello. She was sure he would understand her need, her longings better then the rest of the family, though she was aware that her more intellectual Uncle didn't share a very close bond with her.

When she had been a young child Uncle Donatello had immersed himself in his gadgets, and inventions. He hardly left his room, and when he did it was just for short periods of time. Rama was not allowed in his laboratory area, in fact he locked her out of there on a continual basis, and she hated this, because she wanted to have fun!

Then as she got older he became her teacher, instructing her in mundane things she felt she would never use in her life. He was boring, and though she had tried to liven things up, he never quite managed to let loose and have fun. It wasn't that he wasn't capable of it, for he was; he often played when they went to the farm.

Now her Uncle Donatello spent most of his spare time between his wife and two children a girl named Abigail who was almost three and a boy named Colby who was a recent addition; the rest of his time he spent fixing, inventing and working on his endless gadgets.

In spite of the differences between them, Ramiela knew that Donatello was a pacifist at heart, and his weapon, the bo staff would not cause death easily, though she knew that it was possible for someone to kill with the staff, if they were skilled enough, and her uncle was far more then skilled in bojitsu.

Rama tapped lightly at his door, though somewhat hesitantly because she wasn't used to turning to _him,_ of all people for help, she just felt that he might understand her better.

Don opened the door and smiled as he saw Ramiela, looking as if she wanted to be anywhere but where she was right now. He was aware of why she was there, the mental connection he had with the rest of his family had filled him in on recent events, he also could sense the conflict going on in Rama, and he knew without being told that she was looking more for someone who might agree with her, that killing was wrong and they shouldn't be doing it. Much as Don agreed with such a thing, internally that is, he knew he couldn't possibly allow Ramiela to believe that, he had to stand by the clan way.

Don had set up the bedroom area of the lair off into separate sections so that each family had a few rooms to themselves, so he had a section of pipe that had three rooms and a smaller sitting area, where either he or his wife Jennifer, could care for one of the children.

Don recognized the emotions that Ramiela was giving off and sympathised with her, recalling with ease his own, first kill and how hard it had been.

" Rough morning for you huh Ramiela?"

" Uncle Donatello I uh…" Rama ducked her head, " I don't. I mean I want" she sighed flustered, and suddenly unsure of how to voice these strange thoughts and feelings to the uncle she felt was more of a stranger then anything.

" It is all right Ramiela I understand," he assured her giving her shoulder a light squeeze. " Why don't we go to my lab and we can talk in private without being disturbed all right?" Don suggested keeping his voice low and calm.

Rama nodded giving him a grateful look as if he had spared her from something truly drastic.

He smiled gently, " Jen I am going head to the lab. I'll be back shortly."

Jen smirked, " Right once you get in there you, won't come out until lunch time." She guffawed.

Don gave a sheepish grin as he shut the door and guided Rama towards the lab, not that she needed his assistance but he kept one arm around her shoulder to help comfort and relax her.

He had been expecting her to show up.

Ramiela, Don knew, was very intelligent in her own way, however she just didn't want to apply herself most the time, her attention span was short, much like her father's and also, very much like Mike she was easily distracted. But every once in a while she would let a bright ray come shining through to verify that she did know far more then, he thought.

Therefore it seemed only natural for her to come to him for help in this instance. Raph was and always had been her favourite Uncle, the one she could talk to with ease, and relax with. But Raph was also the clan executioner, and while Rama had never seen him carry out a sentence, she was fully aware of what Raph had done for her where Shay had been concerned.

Rama knew that Raph had killed Shay to protect her; she also knew that he had killed before. In fact he killed in almost a cavalier way, except the clan knew that these deaths were no easier Raph then on the rest of them, it was just Raph hid it better and was willing to go the distance to insure the family was protected.

Right now Rama wanted to avoid killing, she didn't want to do it, and was disturbed by the fact of what killing really meant. It was one thing to say, " oh he killed…" It was another, to actually see killing, to feel the blood on you, to see the light in a person's eyes fade.

Nor could Rama find the answers she sought through Leo, Splinter or Mike, for to turn to them would be to lose face. She wanted to prove she was a ninja and be independent capable of handling her own problems, but she was curious and unsure enough that she sought help and assistance at the same time.

By process of elimination that left him, the only one in the family, who knew what it was like to be ninja, to have the answers, and the only member who really wasn't interested in all the fighting or killing.

True he had, had many differences and battles with his niece over the years but at this moment they were kindred souls.

Don got her sitting down and comfortable in his computer chair, while he grabbed a stool from under a counter to sit on, but before doing so he quickly drew out a couple of mugs from a cupboard, dropped a teabag in each and filled them with water from the lab sink before placing them in the microwave.

" Hardly a traditional way to make tea" Rama declared in a sour way.

" It is quicker though." Don replied kindly as he took the two steaming mugs from out of the microwave and went over to sit down he handed her one mug.

Rama inhaled a bit and gave him a weak smile, not quite sure where to begin or what to say, wishing silently that she knew him better because then this would be a lot easier.

Don pulled his stool a bit closer; he leaned forward and rested his hand on her knee. " What is the one thing you remember about the first kill?" he asked gently, giving her a compassionate look.

Rama inhaled sharply " The blood, the sight of it, the smell of it" she replied, she raised her head and gave a weak grin " I suddenly feel like Lady Macbeth, all that out damn spot bit" she joked lightly, then she gave her head a shake, " I don't think I can forget it, and I killed others after and that just added to it. Just so much blood" Rama's voice shook and she trembled slightly.

" I know" Don acknowledged, " it gets to the point where you can almost taste it in your mouth."

Rama nodded wide-eyed and she inhaled sharply.

" A lot of big battles can be like that," Don murmured sadly.

" Why does it have to be that way though?" Rama asked, " Why are we even at war?"

" It is about honour Ramiela, the ninja way. Our master, Homato Yoshi was killed by Shredder. We killed Shredder to restore our honour and now the Foot wish to destroy us so they can restore honour" Don explained, " Blood for blood and a life for a life. It all seems so pointless at times, a vicious circle that can't be broken."

" There has to be some way we can end this though," Rama hinted.

" Perhaps in the future a truce might be called, when enough blood has been shed on both sides, who knows. Personally I don't know if I would trust such a truce with the Foot, they may offer it only to kill us." Don replied.

Rama scowled, " But do we have to kill for honour?"

" Ramiela don't look at it as killing for honour, instead try to view it as saving a life. You kill to spare the life of a family member, to continue to survive, or to spare an innocent who might otherwise die if not for your intervention" Don suggested as he sipped his tea.

Rama blew on the hot liquid " Does that help you?"

" It helps to put things into perspective" Don corrected, " honour is intangible, you may feel it here" he tapped the part of her plastron that covered her heart, " You may justify your actions here" he tapped his finger on her forehead, " But in the end it is your family and friends who are there for you no matter what, and to lose one of them would hurt far more" Don stated as he sat back on his stool and sat his mug down on the counter, " You must find your own balance Ramiela. We have all killed and taken lives, all of us have regretted taking certain lives" Don assured her, "or asked ourselves if taking that life was truly necessary. In the end we all find our own balance and peace of mind as we come to terms with it." He arched his eye ridge " No katanas?"

" I cou…couldn't put them on" Rama stammered.

" The weapon is only a tool, it was you who used them for the means of killing" Don pointed out. He gave a reflective smile, " You know the bo staff wasn't my first choice of weapon."

Rama's face scrunched up as she heard this, she glanced at her Uncle to see if he was trying to be funny with her " It wasn't, what was your first choice then?"

Don laughed, " Bow and arrows and the short sword. I think it was because when I was younger I loved the story of Robin Hood, how Robin though he was a criminal was actually doing good and helping people out. I loved the part where the competition is set up, and Robin goes in disguise using his arrow to outshoot the best people there" Don explained, " My first kill was with an arrow shot from my bow. I didn't want to use that weapon or my sword after that, but Splinter insisted I had to carry the bow and arrow a few more times in battle before he would permit me to relinquish it."

Rama smiled as she nodded and took a long pull from her drink though it scalded her tongue and mouth, " Do you still feel like Robin Hood?" she asked innocently.

" Hey, I said I loved the story, I didn't say anything about wanting to emulate him" Don declared quickly.

Rama gave a coy smile as she arched her eye ridge upward " Yeah right!" **She** almost chortled the words.

"Impudent child!" Don gave her a mock glare.

" Well do you?" Rama persisted.

Don shook his head grumbling under his breath about how rude kids were getting to be before he replied " Yes I do, even more importantly I know I am doing what is right."

" How can you live with yourself though?" Rama inquired suddenly.

" I have learned to accept it. I have made peace with myself and accept that sometimes it is the only way. It doesn't mean that it is easy to do, but it doesn't trouble me either." Don reached out cupping Rama's face in his hands " Death is truly a part of life Ramiela."

" We're nothing more then assassins" Rama spat out vehemently.

"**No!**" Don barked sharply, " We are much more then that Ramiela, but you alone must come to accept that or all we will ever be is killers" Don insisted a bit more calmly.

Ramiela shrugged " I just have a lot of thinking to do" she confessed.

Don watched as she slipped from the chair and headed for the door, here stance one of defeat and weariness.

" Ramiela you are halfway there, for every ninja there are two difficult kills to make, the first kill because it is when you must take a life and decide whether you will continue to do so," Don said cautiously " the second most difficult kill is the one you make after you have decided to accept killing because the mind and the body may be in disagreement, you may hesitate and change your mind" Don sighed, bowing his head " You must accept that death, and be ready for it."

Don didn't add that the sooner she made that kill, the kill when mind and body were in acceptance of the act, the better it would be for her, this was something that she had to come to on her own.

The first kill the mind and body didn't always know or accept, but once the first kill was made, the subconscious could hold you back from killing again unless you determined that, you could and you would kill.

Rama bobbed her head up and down once in understanding and she sensed that her Uncle could tell her no more, not that she found his words all that helpful, but she had learned a few things at any rate.

" Thanks for your help Uncle Donatello, but I guess the next step is up to me."

"That it is Ramiela but we are ready to help you if you need it" Don hastened to remind her, " You are not alone in any of this."

" I know that, but some things one has to do on their own, and if I have to kill that is my choice, so it s up to me to find my own path" Rama spoke calmly but with deep sincerity, even though she felt that her path might not be the one the rest of her family walked.

Don gave a small smile he knew she was right, more importantly she was ninja, it was in her blood and soul, it was in the air she breathed in and in everything she saw. Being ninja she would have to find her balance her way and she was wise enough to know that.

TBC

**Reinbeauchaser:** True Leo had to do it and as you pointed out Rama has a good deal of thinking to do. First They Came, a wonderful poem that should never be forgotten, and I thought it worked well within the context of the chapter, for Leo and Splinter to try and convince Rama of their point of view. A gratitude for your insight.

**Chibi Rose Angel:** You are right family has to stick together and help one another. Luckily, the ninja in Rama's family know what she is going through as they have been there themselves. A gratitude for your insight.

**Lenni:** Hopefully none of us ever have to be placed in such a situation as to take another human's life. You sound very hyped about the BSB concert. Congrats and have fun. A gratitude for your insight.

**Tbreader:** I guess you won't be reading this for a while then. However I hope you enjoy your time and learn lots, take care of yourself. A gratitude for your insight.

**Lunar Ninja: **Chamber pots, outhouses, the great outdoor what ever happens to be close at hand at the time all works, personally I'm just glad for the indoor models. A gratitude for your insight.


	5. Chapter 5

Of Life and Death

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Five:

**_I am stuck_**

**_Between in and yo_**

**_Feeling I have no place to go_**

**_Where what is dark, is light_**

**_Where what is day, is night_**

**_Nothing I know now seems right._**

**_The here the now_**

**_The future and the past_**

**_I must make a choice to last_**

**_But where do I turn_**

**_How can I get them to see_**

**_This is not what I'm meant to be._**

**_It seems they lied_**

**_Sooner or later all must die_**

**_In this game of an eye for an eye_**

**_Honour then is for me to decide._**

**_Different yet same_**

**_Bound together into one_**

**_In and yo_**

**_Now balance is won._**

Ramiela stared at the words she had written on the blank page of her journal, the poetry laid bare her feelings for the moment but the last bit about balance had not been achieved as of yet.

The journal itself had been a gift from Master Splinter for her birthday, he had told her that she might want a private place to write her thoughts and dreams down, Ramiela had never seen the need to write such things down before, had accepted the gift graciously, now she understood what the Master had been implying.

Rama gave a rueful chuckle as she realized the Master of all the clan would know that recording such things might be the best gift he could give her, even if she hadn't known it then.

She turned back to her journal heaving a heavy sigh and chewed on her pen for a second before allowing it to touch the paper and begin it's soft scratching, the words flowing with ease.

**_I don't know what I am going to do. I know what is expected of me, but this is one time when I feel that I may have to let my family down. Killing just seems wrong to me, even if it is for the right cause. We aren't even suppose to steal food if we are hungry, but somehow killing ( a far worse crime if you ask me) is all right under the correct circumstances._**

**_Somehow I am suppose to kill to save lives and it just doesn't make sense, I mean we all deserve to live, perhaps I could understand it better if I was ' in balance' whatever that means._**

**_Personally at the moment, I think it means just being in tune with what they want and expect from me._**

**_I know Master Splinter and Sensei would tell me that I could gain balance through meditation, but I am not much one for meditating, it seems so boring and pointless._**

**_Do other kids have to make this sort of decision?_**

**_No! Because other kids don't have to be ninja. Other kids get to be kids. I envy that right now; I'd give anything to be a kid again._**

**_Would my life be so different if I didn't kill, isn't it enough to want to cherish all life? _**

**_What if Uncle Raphael had died?_**

**_Now that is a disturbing thought. I don't know what I'd do with out Uncle Raphael around; he has always been my friend and been there for me. I know I can tell him absolutely _anything_ and I wouldn't have to worry about it coming back to get me later. Uncle Raphael has always been there in so many ways that he is as constant and dependable as the changing of the seasons themselves, and just as mercurial too, when you get down to it._**

**_Being without him is one thing I really don't want to think about, because I know losing him would be worse then killing._**

**_I know to be ninja, means to put your life in danger, at least sometimes, to save the life of another person. I mean a ninja can easily die while trying to help someone else._**

**_Funny, that is something that I've never really thought about. I don't think I've even considered or entertained such a thought until now. _**

**_Then again who thinks they are going die? _**

**_Even if in the back of your mind you know that all of us can die sooner or later, from one thing or another, you don't really expect it to happen to you. Not that you belief you are immortal, it just doesn't cross your mind, even if it happens that you do live totally on the edge doing wild and crazy things you don't stop to think 'this will kill me', if you stopped to think of it, you probably wouldn't do it._**

**_I guess I never really considered it all that much because I felt that kids my age just couldn't die, I know I have heard instances of twelve or thirteen year olds dying but you tell yourself it was a fluke, a freak accident and something that just couldn't possibly happen to you._**

**_No, children my age just shouldn't die._**

**_People my age shouldn't be killing either_**.

A knock on the door caused Rama to sit up and close her journal tucking it under a pillow.

" Rama you are late for practice" Mike called from the other side of her door.

Rama rolled her eyes practice she was supposed to be at practice on top of all the problems and stuff she was going through? She glanced at her clock, seeing that yes she was a few minutes late, but considering the recent events she felt entitled to having the day off.

" I don't feel like it dad" Rama replied.

" Practice is not an option young lady, trust me you don't want Leo coming after you" Mike warned, " Don't forget you can only skip out on practice if you are on your death bed and Don is willing to verify it."

Rama felt something snap inside of her " I don't care dad! Why can't he just leave me alone!" She half yelled and half snapped in sudden anger.

Mike opened the door and saw Rama sitting on her bed fighting back tears.

" Ramiela honey" Mike strode over to the bed, sitting down beside her and pulling her into his arms.

" I just can't dad. Not today I…" Rama began faltering.

" Look Rama, if it was up to me I'd let you skip out of practice today, but Leo isn't going allow it," he paused and gave her a sincere sympathetic look, " because Leo knows that practice is connected to fighting and fighting is connected to death and you don't want to be connected to any of that at the moment" Mike summarized.

" I don't even know if I want to be ninja" Rama protested pulling out of Mike's arms, he gave her a pained look.

" Rama basically when you get knocked down in battle, your going have to be able to get up and swinging whether you want to or not. If a horse throws you, you have to get on it again as soon as possible." Mike informed her, " The longer you wait the harder it becomes, that is why you aren't getting out of practice." He concluded patiently.

" It's not fair! I **hate **this!" Rama ranted, quickly grabbing a stuffed animal from off the bed and tossed it across her room " I don't see why I have to go to practice when I don't care to, and while the rest of you see a connection **I **don't, so why can't all of you just leave me alone."

Mike took a slow deep calming breath, reminding himself that he had to be tolerant of her behaviour at the moment, she was confused and her temperamental outburst that was reminiscent of one of her two year old tantrums, was a clear reminder of that fact.

He leaned forward and gave her a peck on the forehead " Leo wants you there" he insisted kindly, " I'll tell him that you will be there in five minutes Rama that is all I can give you."

Rama crossed her arms over her plastron and sat sulking, with her head turned away from her father, refusing to respond in any way.

Mike nodded " I'll see you in the dojo in five Rama" he declared simply as he stood up.

He knew Leo wouldn't like the delay, or the fact that Rama was holding practice up but under the circumstances he would probably allow it to slide, it was all Mike could do for Rama was give her a few minutes to adjust herself to the knowledge of coming to practice or facing her Sensei's wrath.

Rama heard the bedroom door click shut behind Mike and she raised her eyes to glower at the door, " I won't and they can't make me!" she muttered to herself.

A few minutes later she squirmed on her bed, a furrow forming on her brow. She had seen Leo's wrath on more than one occasion and while she was in no mood to practice she wasn't really ready to incur his wrath again.

However, she couldn't deny that she felt she was being forced into something that she didn't want any part of, still she knew if she was going to protest it might be better to do it wisely and choose her time, especially when she considered what sort of punishment Sensei might invoke for her disobedience.

She heaved a resigned sigh as she stood up " All right you win, I'm coming!" she announced to the empty room as she threw her arms up in frustration.

She arrived at the dojo wearing a petulant look. Leo smiled at her.

" Ramiela so glad you could join us," he said cheerfully, as if it had been all _her_ idea to be there.

Rama found a tart answer rising up in her throat and she quickly swallowed it back before it could escape, years of extensive training had taught her what she could expect if she did let loose her volley of venom, so instead she responded in the proper way.

She bowed low " Hai Sensei forgive me for my behaviour."

She stood up gritting her teeth as she silently told herself to go through the motions, do what had to be done and get out fast. She would ever it took to get her through this.

Leo sensed her resistance and planned on working her hard and long to get her past this stage, for he knew that this behaviour was yet another hurdle caused by her killing the Foot soldier, and it like the other hurdles had to be overcome.

….

The next few days had Leo working Rama hard in practice sessions and lessons if no where else, meanwhile Rama was often getting angry over simple things, alternating arguments with the desire to seek some help or guidance to help her healing along.

Other then that she wrote long pages in her journal, and she found that just by writing her thoughts and feelings down was sort of therapeutic in its own way. Sometimes in her writings she found stepping stones to guide her, other times it was just the safest place to vent her feelings and thoughts, especially as she knew no one would be reading this, other then herself.

Rama looked down at what she had written.

…

**_Perhaps killing when it is necessary to save another really isn't so bad, sort of like Robin Hood and his thieving, sure Robin was breaking the law, but in the end it was for the greater good, and I guess that is what really matters._**

**_I guess that is why Uncle Donatello can still feel like he is still a hero._**

**_Those who seek to hurt or cause trouble for others don't have a great deal od honour to begin with, if they respected other's rights they wouldn't be out to hurt their fellow man._**

**_For us to turn away and allow an innocent to come to harm, when we can do something to stop, or prevent it, would be disgraceful and a lack of honour. Someone must stand up for what is right_**

**_I was wrong, I want to be a ninja and help others who might need it, I want to stand up for those who might need it, because one day someone might come for us and because we are so different there are very few people who will speak out for us. We need to encourage everyone to realize and speak up for those who don't live as good of a life as many citizens do._**

**_Killing though, even if it is for a worthy cause, is still so unacceptable to me. I'm not sure that I could do it, I don't even know if I want to._**

**_Killing is the ultimate choice and it is final, so killing under any circumstances can't be made lightly. I don't know if I'm qualified to make such a decision or choice, to figure out who is to live and who isn't just isn't the sort of options I want to pick for anyone._**

**_One day who knows someone might pick death for me._**

**_I wished I could believe in myself enough to trust my instincts in this matter, I'm just so unsure._**

TBC

**Lunar Ninja: **You probably won't be reading this for awhile as you are on vacation, hope your having fun. Don could pull off quite a bit if it wasn't for the fact he is a mutant turtle talk about discrimination. Yes Don as Robin Hood, hmm Mike would be Friar tuck and …well there goes a plot bunny. A gratitude for your insight.

**Chibi Rose Angel: **I have no idea if Don ever did carry such weapons; he has been trained in them, as a ninja that is to be expected. I just put that into the Rama story. Rama doesn't really have a short attention span it is just that she acted that way when Don was schooling her ( read Reluctant Student you'll see what I mean) A gratitude for your insight.

**Jessiy:** You have been reading and reviewing quite a few of the Rama stories and I thank you for that. Personally I believe you said things quite eloquently in spite of you thinking you didn't have the right words. A gratitude for your insight.

**Lenni:** Ah being a ninja is all part of the training and what all ninja must face sooner or later. Death for a ninja is truly a part of life. A gratitude for your insight.

**Digimon girl: **Glad you loved it. Here is the next chapter to enjoy. A gratitude for your insight.


	6. Chapter 6

Of Life and Death

Disclaimer: I deny any ownership of any adult or adolescent transformed shadow warrior chelonians.

Chapter Six:

Ramiela felt anxious, and extremely bored as she stalked the lair, she played for a bit with her younger cousins and when that didn't seem to fill the empty space inside of her, she moved out to the kitchen, but her mind wasn't on baking cookies or any other treat as she realized she wasn't in the mood for that. So restlessly she moved on to the living room clicking on the television but a quick scan of channels told her that there wasn't much worth watching.

Don looked at Mike " So it begins," he murmured, softly as he and Mike observed the young ninja from a hallway.

Mike chuckled, " Oh yeah she is missing the routine, hopefully it will be the last thing she needs to bring her around." Mike sighed, " The last few days with her has been sheer hell Donny, with all her temperament changes and the arguments" Mike rolled his eyes.

Don turned arching an eye ridge towards his brother, smiling slightly at him, " Have you considered that some of this recent behaviour, may not be linked to the fact she has killed and has to come to grips with it?"

" What you saying Donny?" Mike asked suddenly, then it dawned on him what his intellectual brother was trying to imply, " You mean Rama is turning into a monster?"

Don laughed smacking his brother lightly on the shoulder, " No, this attitude can be attributed to the hormonal changes that are the onset of puberty."

" Like I said Don she is turning into a monster" Mike repeated, " otherwise known as an adolescent, a teenager and a royal pain in the lower portions of the shell." Mike shook his head " I'm not ready for that Don."

" I could be wrong" Don suggested.

" I'm doomed," Mike declared emphatically, " When have you ever been wrong? Especially under these circumstances?"

Don shrugged, " It is possible I'm not perfect you know. You want to let Leo know she has entered this stage?"

" Aw, knowing Leo he probably is all ready aware of her chafing at the bit." Mike waved the idea off.

…

Rama had been unaware of them she was in such an agitated mood that she would probably have missed an elephant in the room. She instead headed towards the dojo, and walked over to where her katanas hung, she had put them in the dojo the second day, wanting nothing to do with her trusty swords that had seen her through so much.

As she looked at her weapons, still protected in their scabbards, she realized that she missed having them on her, and with her at all times, she missed there familiar weight on her carapace, missed the feel in her hands as she held them, missed the soft sound it made as she sliced through the air.

_' Uncle Donatello is right they are only a tool.'_ She mused to herself as she reached out to caress one of the scabbards that held the lethal weapon. _' I miss going on patrols, I miss the chance to go out topside and scour the rooftops searching the city.'_

What Rama truly missed, though she wasn't aware of it, was the adrenaline rush that came whenever she went into action, to stop any number of crimes, or entering a battle.

In many ways she was an addict, she had become addicted to the blood rush that came with such exercises topside. Now she was suffering from withdrawal, and she longed to go out and get her fix.

Of course Leo had banished her to the sewers, and more importantly, she was restricted from leaving a certain area of the sewers until she was back on active duty, as a safety precaution.

Rama didn't know that she was addicted to the adrenaline rush, she didn't know or expect the warrior in side of herself, to long for the thrill of battle, and the life and death struggle, she didn't know any of that. All she knew was she missed being on patrol and doing what had seemed to be so natural to her.

Without even realizing it she took her katanas and pulled them from the scabbard, it felt good, like they belonged there, and in a way they did, for they were as much a part of her as her arms or legs, they were an extension of her body and so much more.

Rama gave a soft sigh of relief, as she closed her hands firmly but comfortably around the sword handles, she took a deep calming breath as she began to move through some katas.

The exercises helped to further relax her and ease the tension that had been building but she sensed that there was still something missing, that she didn't just want, but needed more then what the katas could provide.

Suddenly she sensed someone and turned to block a strike from her Sensei's sword, she looked at him, and he smiled. He moved his second katana around and without even pausing, Rama moved on instinct blocking the second blow and swiping her first katana towards her instructor.

Leo moved to parry the blow, for the moment the two became locked in the intricate dance steps of sparring.

Rama back pedalled as Leo pushed for the advantage, but Rama wisely bided her time waiting and then moved fast striking hard, moving fast and forcing him to give ground to her.

This in it self was wonderful, and intoxicating, the clang of metal on metal was music to Rama's ears, as she spun and skipped nimble to one side to avoid a strike.

The two continued the mock battle for some time, until Rama's chest began to heave ever so slightly from exertion, her breath coming fast, as she did her best to calm and still it. A trickle of sweat rolled down her forehead.

Leo stepped back and bowed to her, and she smiled before returning the bow.

" It is good to see you taking the katana up again," Leo said, as he sheathed his own swords.

Rama dropped to the mats with a contented sigh " When can I get to go on patrol again?" She asked earnestly.

" Are you ready to kill again?" Leo responded.

Rama grimaced and gazed down at the mat falling silent.

" Ramiela you know I can't allow you on patrol until you are ready to face the fact that you are going have to kill again." Leo informed her, his tone was full of sympathy as he dropped one hand on to her shoulder.

" I can see that killing might be all right under some circumstances" Rama allowed, " But I don't know if I am capable of making those sort of decisions. What if I make the wrong choice and actually kill where it isn't necessary?" She looked up at Leo, her eyes full of doubt.

Leo dropped down in front of her, " You won't make the wrong decision," he declared.

" How do you know?" Rama wondered.

" First off because you do value life, you have proven it more then once. You have never used any force that was not necessary." Leo pointed out, " You have also had to kill, and while that choice is a difficult one to make, you regretted your actions. These things will help control you, so you won't make the wrong choice" Leo assured her, " When the time comes and you have to kill, you will do it almost instinctively due to your training."

" What about execution type killings?" Rama inquired, " I know Uncle Raphael is our executioner, but how do we decided if such a punishment is warranted? I mean it is different in battle, then you are fighting for your life, but in executions it isn't like that, is it?"

Leo looked at her face, she was curious about the details now, and that was good for curiosity often lead to acceptance. But Leo knew for her sake he couldn't lie to her, after all she would need to know how to determine whether an execution was warranted or not.

" Executions are different, our clan does them only in special circumstances Ramiela" Leo admitted, " You are correct you aren't in a life or death struggle then. Executions are often done to humans, who sometimes possess little or no fighting skills, and it seems to go against everything we fight for and believe in. But to ignore it, to allow that person to live could mean jeopardizing our lives and safety." Leo explained.

Rama nodded, " That's what I thought" she muttered, " it doesn't seem right." She shrugged.

" No it doesn't but we can only value and respect another's life as long as that person values their own existence as well." Leo confirmed, " After all most people we execute are given every chance to prove to us that they will leave us alone in peace and let us live our lives," Leo paused, " This usually after they have sought to harm or have caused some harm to a member in our family" he stressed.

" You mean like my mom with me, how she kidnapped me when I was four?" Rama hinted.

" Exactly, your father warned her then, that she wasn't to return here or have anything to do with you or us. Shay refused to heed that warning, she turned bitter and came back for you."

Rama shuddered a bit and inhaled sharply as she recalled the second incident her mom hadn't just kidnapped her but had almost killed her with a new street drug known as Buzz.

Leo rested a hand on Rama's cheek " We could have lost you Ramiela, we almost did." He arched an eye ridge and smiled, " But you are a fighter and survivor and you pulled through, but Shay could not be allowed to live. Not after she had proven that she didn't value her own life enough to stay away."

Rama sighed, " At the time Uncle Raphael and dad told me Shay wasn't coming back, I knew Uncle Raphael had done something to her, I just didn't fully understand the concept of death." She confessed, " I knew I could believe them and I knew death was forever I just wasn't …you know sure about everything else."

Leo nodded " It takes killing, or a concept of what death truly is, to fully comprehend the idea of a person being dead, even people we don't care for." He gave a small smile, " You Ramiela have to understand, that as you grow older you will trust your instincts more of who can be trusted and who can't. Also you will be better able to judge who needs to be killed and when, so killing grows less instead of more" he assured her. " Tell me do you think you could kill for the right reasons?" he hinted, " Such as killing to save one of us?"

" I all ready have, haven't I?" Rama said a bit cheekily a smile crossing her face.

" Yes, but then you didn't know what killing was, with the information you have gained can you, would you be willing to _do_ it again?" Leo persisted.

Rama's smile faded as she considered her sensei's words, she knew what the answer was, or felt that she knew, but she wasn't so sure. Of course Sensei would probably sense her hesitation and doubts, so he all ready knew her answer.

" I think, know I am sure I would act to save any of you, or even myself if I absolutely have to, but I'm not so sure that I can." Rama admitted.

" Meaning what?" Leo pressed gently as he watched her.

" Meaning knowing what I do now, I'd want to act but what if I don't? What if I hesitate or freeze up? What if …"

Leo held up one hand " Hold it Ramiela," he chuckled, " You are saying you are afraid? What does a ninja have to be afraid of?" He spoke lightly.

" Losing those I love. I got to thinking that while I don't care to kill, losing Uncle Raphael would have been terrible, devastating. I think I would sooner kill then allow those I care about get hurt." Rama explained, as she bit at her bottom lip. " Is it all right if I still don't like killing?"

Leo shook his head " None of us like killing Ramiela, it isn't a case of enjoying it, rather just doing what has to be done as it needs to be done" Leo corrected.

He knew though that her doubts about whether she was able to come through would need to be answered, and the best way of answering it, was by putting her back into patrols. Eventually, she would get the chance to prove to herself that her training would take over and respond. The more she thought about freezing, the better the odds became of her doing it, and Leo didn't want to give Rama the chance to ponder on such thoughts.

" I guess it is about time for you to go on patrol again." He announced.

Rama gasped bouncing up to her feet " Really but you just said that…"

" I know what I said Ramiela" Leo agreed, " Would you prefer I take it back?"

" No, no that is all right" Rama hastened to assure him, " I thought I was going go stir crazy if I had to hang around here much longer." She cheered as she bounced around her Sensei in her enthusiasm.

Leo laughed, " Get used to it, battle lulls tend to drive us all batty, and put us at each other's throats" Leo muttered ruefully.

Rama giggled, " That's when you and Uncle Raphael usually decided to butt heads with each other." She chortled.

" Ah you have noticed huh?"

" Kinda hard to miss" Rama said pertly, as she strapped her katanas back on her carapace where they belonged.

Right now she wasn't concerned about what might happen on patrol, just the fact that she was going, filled her with excitement as well as some peace of mind. She was ready.

Leo sensed her confidence and assurance in herself, and he knew that it could seep away, not just trickle away but vanish completely when faced with another battle. The whole problem was, that he had no way of testing her or preparing her for it, as with so much of their ninja training it could only be done by throwing her into situation and seeing how well she could handle it.

It had been almost a week, and Leo personally, didn't want to wait much longer before letting her get back into the routine, for soon that bravado could turn to fear and cowardice.

Hopefully the Foot soldiers would oblige and show up. Actually it was a fairly good bet they would, Foot activity was once again on the rise, especially since the initiate had killed. It was almost as if the Foot were looking for her determined to see if the young kunoichi could kill again.

That would be the question on everyone's mind until Rama made the conscious decision to kill and follow through.

…

That night Leo arranged for Ramiela and Raph to accompany him on patrol, since the Foot presence was far more noticeable the turtles had been keeping watch on the city in teams.

The night hadn't been quiet either, they had all ready foiled a mugging/rape and busted up what could have turned into a gang fight between two large groups of teens.

Leo was glad for the everyday crime, though he often grew wearied of breaking up or risking everything to protect innocent people, often from their own stupidity.

However tonight such events helped Ramiela feel more confident about her abilities, with her weapons, and the knowledge that she wouldn't kill randomly, or for little, if no reason.

Leo and Raph kept their senses alert as they moved careful for any sign of being followed, tracked or of shadows that caught the corner of the eye but then became still when you turned to look on them full on. Both the older more experienced ninja were trying to see if they could detect an attack before it happened, so they could pick the most convenient spot for the battle.

Raph smirked as he saw a slight move off to his left; it wasn't the first time the Foot sentry had given away his position. Raph had to wonder if the other Foot members would go after the Foot soldier. He mentally warned Leo of the being. Leo acknowledged his message by giving a subtle nod in reply as he moved out faster.

In moments Leo had found the place and position from, which he was ready to do battle from as the three of them took up position, standing in a small circle with their carapaces touching.

" Ramiela get ready" Leo ordered, " The Foot are near and depending on how many are out there you may have to kill."

Rama trembled slightly and swallowed hard a low strangled whimper escaped from her throat and she turned an anxious pleading look toward Leo.

He smiled softly " You can do it Ramiela" he encouraged her kindly.

Rama braced herself, as she held her katanas, feeling more comfortable with them then her sais, especially in instances where the odds might quickly turn overwhelming. She took a deep breath trying to gain some comfort from the fact that the other two ninja were with her.

A handful of Foot emerged from the shadows; " They finally brought her out to play again" one Foot soldier chuckled.

" Just a freak kid she isn't any threat. Needs a babysitter" another Foot taunted.

Raph growled, " Funny the kids, better then most of you are." He narrowed his eyes and spun his sais, " Trust me we ain't babysittin' her. We are just here to help clean up what she don't want."

Rama shot an uncertain glance at her Uncle, she hated the reference of being baby sat, but she knew she wasn't capable or ready yet to handle large numbers and as she counted the number of Foot that were revealing themselves she realized there had to be over twenty of them here.

" Sensei" she whispered meekly.

" Trust your instincts Ramiela." Leo cautioned, " Don't pull your punches either, and remember that this is war."

The Foot laughed, and the leader smirked behind his hooded mask " He is right and we plan on taking you prisoner initiate, and having fun with you freak."

Rama swallowed the threat seemed far more of a promise then anything, she didn't like the idea of being taken prisoner, and the last part of his threat did nothing to put her mind at ease, her blood began to race and her eyes narrowed.

" You want me you better come and get me" she challenged suddenly, as her mind quickly determined that she would _not_ under any circumstances be taken prisoner by her enemies.

Leo smiled knowing that threat had caused a surge of anger, and in this moment her anger could see her past her fear.

As one the Foot charged towards them with their weapons out and ready, Leo and Raph instantly engaged about six Foot soldiers between them, but the largest group made their way toward Rama.

There was too many of them, and she knew, her ninja senses told her, they wanted her blood, even the first blows they struck out towards her confirmed they were out to kill or severely injure her.

Killing now was not an option, in order to survive she knew she had to kill. Survival was a powerful instinct that could drive any one to do things that they might never do, or consider doing under normal circumstances.

Ramiela knew that Sensei was right she could not afford to hold back and her mind had all ready made the decision to kill even though she knew what such a choice meant. She recalled her Uncle Donatello telling her that this would be the second hardest kill she had ever done.

For a moment she felt a touch of fear and panic rise from within, as she tried to handle the number of Soldiers who clustered around her, but she felt the gentle mental touch of Leonardo, both reassuring her they were near and urging her on.

Rama slashed her katana out seeing it now not as a weapon to take life, but perhaps preserve it, and more. It was nothing more than a tool after all, a truly deadly dangerous tool.

As one Soldier who pressed a little too close quickly found out as she plunged her sword in to him.

She blanched slightly cowering back as she smelled that offensive coppery smell of blood that she hated but another Foot came in fast and she didn't have much time to focus on what had gone before now, just time enough to focus on the incoming attack by turning to block the strike.

By the time the numbers had dwindled, and the Foot retreated Ramiela had killed four times, she stood now with her chest heaving more from exertion then any thing else, even as the Foot vanished into the night around them.

Leo touched her lightly on the shoulder " You have done well Kunoichi, you made the conscious decision to kill and your instincts were not found lacking, but the most important thing is how do you feel now?" Leo reached out probing her carefully with his senses not wanting to miss the slightest hint of disgust, or uncertainty.

Rama took a deep breath and raised her head, as she gazed hard and long at the fallen bodies of those who had sought to harm her and her family. Only this time the death the blood, while still repugnant on some level was also almost freeing, for she knew that if she hadn't killed then perhaps she or her uncles would have died, she had truly only killed in self defence and killing for those reasons was something totally different. It was, to put it simply, a matter of life or death. While she valued her own life and the lives of other beings, that didn't mean she had to jeopardize her life or the life of those she cared for.

All this swirled and chased in her mind and Rama realized the truth of her training, only through valuing life could she kill, for then even death would have its meaning.

Leo waited for her answer; saw Raph shifting uneasily beside him mumbling something under his breath. Leo held up his hand.

As Rama smiled ever so slightly, " I don't like killing and I don't think I ever will." She confessed, " But I understand why it may be necessary and I think, I've found the balance to be able to do it." She said.

Leo sensed that it was true, though he knew that killing would still bother her to some extent she was now over the worst of it and had truly come to accept her ninja birthright, one of honour respect and the ability to fight for what was right.

He clapped her on the shoulder as he announced, " Lets go home."

Rama took one last look back, saying a silent Japanese prayer for the fallen. '_ I don't mind killing under the right circumstances, but at the end of the night I have to be able to live with myself and belief that what I did was right.'_ She gave a soft sigh and a reflective smile, _' I still need to belief that I can be a hero, like Mulan perhaps.' _

The End

**Lenni:** Ah yes the original series where Shredder was only human, and the Foot went clang. Siding with not killing doesn't do a lot of good when you are at war, and you have to kill. Oh by the way Lenni I am thinking of doing up some Rama toddler stories though they probably won't be posted until I can get some other stories done A gratitude for your insight.

**Lunar Ninja: **Ah to be on vacation and have all the important amenities close at hand. I'm looking forward to my vacation to get lots of writing done, as well as having fun. The poetry part actually popped into my head and it took very little for me to get it from my head to paper. A gratitude for your insight.

**Jessiy:** My you are reading and reviewing up a storm. I take it you like the Rama series for how quickly you are devouring it. Now to answer some of your questions I noticed you mentioned an I hate Shay fan club, yes there is one. All one needs to do is hate Shay ( Rama's mother) to join. As you saw she got her come uppance. As for Don not being too much in Legacy, well I have a problem writing Don, he is the hardest turtle for me to write so he usually is hiding off somewhere in his lab, however I try to bring him more into my stories now. Plots don't have to be tricky or involved to be intriguing the old saying keep it simple often works best.A gratitude for your insight.

**Chibi Rose Angel:** It is to be expected for Rama to still be confused and uncertain, this is not an easy decision for anyone to come to grips with. Yet it is still a task that inevitable she must still do. A gratitude for your insight.

**Reinbeauchaser:** True Leo can't make her do anything, but he can make her life miserable, think of that poem I sent to you the other day about the kid and the mean mom, yeah kind of like that. Besides I wouldn't want someone like Leo lowering the boom on me. Rama at some point has obviously learned it isn't worth incurring the wrath of her sensei. Leo would probably even be harsher with her, on the basis she is the future leader and must learn one way or another. Either way Rama just isn't willing to go there. A gratitude for your insight.


End file.
